O/T-New policy for older workers

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Digger
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Location: Whitby, Ontario
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O/T-New policy for older workers

Post by Digger » Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:03 pm

Notice to all employees

To whom it may concern


As a result of the reduction of funds hugeted to our office…We are forced to cut back on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.
Th erefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This plan will be known as RAPE (Retire aged personnel early). Employees who have been RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company.
Provided they are RAPED, they can request a review their retirement records before acual retirement takes place. This phase of the plan is called SCREW-(Survey of capabilities Of retired early workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the management of the office. This portion of the plan is called SHAFT-((Study by higher authority following termination) Under the terms of this plan, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice and SHAFTED as many times as deemed appropriate.If an employee follows procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES-(Half earnings for retired personnel early severance) or CLAP-(Combined lump sum assistant payment), unless the employeebalready has AIDS-(Additional income from dependents or spouse) As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employeewho has received HERPES or CLAP will no longerbe RAPED or SCREWED by the boffice.

Management wishes to assure the young emploees who remain onboard that the office will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intencified Training-crap. The office takes pride in the amount of crap our employees receive. We have given our employees more crap than any other office in our area. If the employee feels that they did not receive enough crap on the job, see your immediate supervisor. He is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the crap you can stand.

HUMAN RESOURSES DEPARTMENT
Digger
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the elf
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p0licy for older workers

Post by the elf » Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:52 pm

An oldie but a goodie---especially pertinent for government workers everywhere.-----------ELF.

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