O/T What's your favorite joke?

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wabi
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by wabi »

Seems like "where to buy a memory foam mattress" is a popular one right now. :roll:

BTW - I bought one several years ago and didn't like it! I'm liking them even less now!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by TPM »

A guy is looking for a new duck hunting dog. His life long hunting buddy has always been very critical of his past dogs. No matter how good the dog was he never had anything good to say about them. This time he was going to fix that. When talking to a breeder he told the breeder about his buddy and that he wanted the ultimate duck dog. The breeder said, “I have just the dog for you. This dog can actually walk on water!”. Of course he bought the dog and he couldn’t wait for his first duck hunt so he could finally impress his buddy! Well, the day came and sure enough as they dropped the ducks this dog walked across the water to retrieve them. Strangely, his buddy never said a word about the dog all morning. Thinking there is nothing bad to say about the new dog he finally asked his buddy what he thought. “He’s alright,…” responded his buddy. “Alright! Just alright!” the dog owner said. “What could possibly be wrong with this dog?!” he asked. His buddy paused and said, “He can’t swim”.
The most important blood trail leads to the Cross...

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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by Cossack »

So the wife and hubby are watcin' TV, he's got the remote-of course-and switching between the fishing channel and the spam channel. This keeps up for a while, finally the exasperated wife says: " Why don't you just leave it on the spam channel? You already know how to fish." :lol:

Replace "spam" with frolicking
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strum
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by strum »

What do you call a deer that cant see?

NO EYE DEER :lol:

What do you can a dead deer that cant see?

STILL NO EYE DEER :shock:
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wheelie
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by wheelie »

Biker Meet Viagra

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by Doe Master »

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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one shot scott
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by one shot scott »

This has been around for a while now but its still cracks me up:


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
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Galgo
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by Galgo »

Whats the difference between beernuts and deernuts? Beernuts go for $3.99 deer nuts you can only find under a buck... 8)
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wheelie
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by wheelie »

100 MPH GOAT

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by maple »

Bill, Bob and Jim were planning on going to the hunt camp for a weekend of hunting. They had been looking forward to it for a long time, but as the departure time approached, Bill said his wife wanted him to stay home for a 'romantic weekend' instead. He was upset, but resigned to do what was requested of him. So, Bob and Jim drove to the camp Friday night and were getting ready for the next morning's hunt when Bob bursts through the cabin door with all his hunting gear in tow.

"Bob, what the heck are you doing here?" They asked. "What about your romantic weekend with the wife?"

"Well, the strangest thing happened." says Bob. "We had dinner by candlelight, with wine and music, then we went upstairs and she put on a slinky red neglige and came and sat on my lap. Then the strange thing was, she whispered in my ear, "Here I am big boy, you can do whatever you want". So here I am."
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by huntfishfam »

A little boy says to his mom, "Mommy, is having a spam bad?"
Mother say's , No son. why do you ask ?
Little boy says, " Why is daddy in his room trying to pull his off ?
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Missin
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by Missin »

Wheelie, ive seen that before but i still love it. Reminds me of one of my spots where theres a big old mine shaft on a hill with plenty of goats :lol:

Seen this in a mag awhile ago and its the only joke thats ever stuck with me.

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by M&M »

If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by j.krug »

M&M wrote:If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
PRICELESS!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: O/T What's your favorite joke?

Post by Hoss »

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink
The bar tender replies" we dont serve strings in here"
The string all upset goes outside and ties himself in knots and tangles himself beyond recognition.
the string goes back into the bar and ask for a drink again.
The bar tender says with question. " arent you the same string that was in here a few minutes ago"?
The string replies " NO Im a fraid knot"!

A termite goes into the bar and says "HEY wheres the Bartender"!

hahahahaha justa couple
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