O/T - Volume 1 Is Now Available

[bucknbill]

the book is just an introduction..but Vix Chix has us pegged

[Ont_Excal]

LMAO.............
too many rules for me

[j.krug]

Probably a good read but I imagine postage would be a killer!!

Considering that that is only volume 1...........



Come on folks! It's a joke! Sad that only j.krug is the only one who has commented on it. I thought for sure there would be more brave souls on here than just j.krug........

Truth be told I surrendered to the madness years ago. I live in a house with my lovely wife and three daughters so it's much easier to just go with it instead of trying to figure it out!! Our dog is even a girl. If I sit real still and act like I didn't hear anything they just fight amongst themselves and leave me out of it.

[agingcrossbower]

Understanding men is much easier!!!

Understanding Men:

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought or logic connected with it.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the names and stats of dozens of football players’, the telephone number of my first girlfriend, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.
“Translated: “I will bleed to death before I admit that I’m not a tough guy.”

(AHEM... Agingxbower??!?!)

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and someone else might be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

But it is just a scratch and Its only blood. I Don't get it!

[Big58cal]

...But I just smiled and said it's my fault.

Sounds like you don't need that book - you already know everything you need!!!

I rest my case.

[one shot scott]

Our dog is even a girl. If I sit real still and act like I didn't hear anything they just fight amongst themselves and leave me out of it.

[Big58cal]

Also, to go along with VixChix reply, I found another one.

A few weeks ago I read an article where a guy wrote a book about the "200 Things Obama Knows About The Economy". The book consisted of 200 blank pages. In the article though it said that the guy got the idea from another book...........

Book Description
Publication Date: February 2011
Apart from "sex," what does a man actually think about? Nothing, according to the blank pages of this book!

For millennia, humans have marveled at the difference between men and women. It's widely known that the female gender is far superior to men in most areas—emotionally, cognitively, and socially. But, to date, the complex secrets of a man's mind have eluded science. In this groundbreaking book, Professor Sheridan Simove reveals the true depth of a man's mind.

[wayne]

Hey...That book might be a good thing for when the wife is not around...But I don't think I'll need it, when she is around...She has no problem telling me all I need to know, & seems to enjoy doing so..

[maple]

Well guys, there are a few more points to know about women. I don't know if it's in the book or not, but they derive pleasure from hearing you say things like:

I'm so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm not perfect like you dear.

That was excellent pasta, especially the cheese sauce. Was it your own recipe?

Of course your mother is welcome to stay.

And my favourite; I'm sorry I disappointed you.

They have served me well over 37 years of marriage. Memorize them. They may come in handy some day.

PS Vix, it's a good thing we're not feeling vulnerable.


Maple

[Kelley]

Seen this joke and thought it belonged in this thread

The Genie

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

This reminds me what a old Dr who was also a personal friend told me when I was having a bad time with a woman. It goes as follows.

"Don't try to understand women Kelley, just enjoy them".

I took those words to heart and have enjoyed many women in the past 45 years.

[awshucks]

Guy finds a magic lantern on as beach. Genie pops out and gives him one wish. He want to go to Hawaii. Tells Genie he's afraid of planes and boats.

Genie says those are the only two ways to get there. Guy tells him to build a road so he can drive it.

Genie whines about all the bridging, pilings, yds of concrete ect.

Guy says maybe he's being unreasonable, how about the Genie explaining women instead?

Genie: "Screw it, two lanes or four?

[j.krug]

That book is far too large all you men need to know is that we are always right and the rest is not necessary

You're right bugs! (See I learned well! )

That's the mantra that I live everyday by...."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"?

[Ont_Excal]

That book is far too large all you men need to know is that we are always right and the rest is not necessary

Yep..............back in the Garden of Eden......................
Eve thought she was right too!!

[Big58cal]

That book is far too large all you men need to know is that we are always right and the rest is not necessary

You're right bugs! (See I learned well! )

That's the mantra that I live everyday by...."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"?

No truer words were ever spoken! "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? That pretty well sums it up in a nut shell. Even though the balance of power is on the male side in my house (me, the boy, and 2 male dogs -- there's the wife and the crazy felmale cat we have), she pretty much rules the roost. After 17 years of marriage, I've learned to pick my battles. Like j.krug, I pretty much stay silent and try not to move very much. If she doesn't notice me then she isn't after me about something.

My boss told me something once about dealing with some of our internal partners here at work. The same can translate to dealing with women. "You have X amount of 'money' to use to fight your battles with. You don't want to use all of your money one one issue. It's easiest and you'll get better results if you use your money sparingly on the issues that really matter to you."

I gave up trying to understand the wife long ago and she quit trying to change me many years ago. Both are pretty much like trying to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time and annoys the pig.

[VixChix]

In all seriousness, I think we CAN'T truly understand each other. We are different. We're wired differently. And it's on purpose. We're designed to fill in for each other's weaknesses - that's the strength of the man with a woman.

You guys are much better at many things, and there are things women are better at.

We can share the same experience and it can mean something totally different for women than for men. We perceive things differently.

I say, CELEBRATE THE DIFFERENCE!

Enjoy the things that are different.

Accept the mystery!

Don't try to figure out, or resign yourself to never understanding. Instead, commit yourself to your spouse, your kids, love 'em, appreciate 'em, and be there for 'em.

I know that you guys know all that stuff already though.