I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise idea . You see , the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a healthy quantity of my patented "you`re definitely going to #$@& yourself" road-kill chili . Very tasty stuff , although hot to the point of being painful . Which comes from me a warning if you eat it , the next morning both your butt cheeks WILL fall off .
Here is the thing . The next morning I awoke and even after my usual two cups of coffee (don`t pretend not to know what I mean) nothing had happened . Despite the chilies swimming through my intestinal tract . I was unable to create what my wife refers to as "The Thunder and Lightning " .
Knowing that time of reckoning was going to come , yet not sure of just when . I bravely set off for Home depot , my quest being paint and supplies . Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal . I grabbed a cart and began pushing it around collecting my supplies . It was not until at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that pain hit me .
Oh don`t pretend not to know what I`m talking about . I`m referring to that " I have got to go NOW " pain that seems to hit all of us at the wrong time . But this time the pain was different . The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt . They were bullying their up to the front of the line . Before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would have brought sweet relief , it happened . The chili had fired a warning shot .
There I stood , alone in the paint and stains section suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which probably has never been recorded . I was afraid to move for fear of more of this vile odour escaping me . Slowly , oh so slowly the pressure seemed to subside . So I began to move up the aisle where I was met by an orange apron as I rounded the corner . I was asked if they could be of any assistance .
I don`t know what made me do it , but I stopped to watch what his reaction would be to the toxic invisible fog that refused to dissipate . Have you ever been torn in two directions emotionally ? I could`ve warned the poor clerk but I didn`t . I simply watched as he walked into the invisible wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and run . Was to stand there blinking for a moment , then frantically wave his arms as though he was trying to ward off a swarm of bees . This , of course made me feel terrible . But then made me laugh .........BIG MISTAKE !!
Here`s the thing . When you laugh it is hard to keep things under control , if you know what I mean . With each guffaw another explosive issue burst forth . Some were so loud and echoing that I was told later a few folks two aisles over ducked , fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun . Then suddenly things were no longer funny , I was racing through the store towards the toilets . Laying down a cloud the whole way , just praying I would make it before the grand explosion .
But luck was on my side . I proceeded to hover over the seat because my arse was burning so bad . One poor soul walked in while I was in the middle of what could be referred to as "Shock and Awe" . He made a coughing and snorting sound . Then asked if it smell that bad when I ate it ?
Once I finished and left the restroom . I reacquired my partially filed cart and intended to resume my shopping . When one of the store employees approached me and said " Sir , you may want to step outside for a few minutes . It appears a prankster has set off a stink bomb in the store . The manager is now turning on the vent fans to high which ought to take care of the problem " .
My smirking set me off again , causing some residual gas to escape . The employee took one sniff , jumped back pulling his apron up over his nose . Pointing at me in an accusing manner shouting " IT`S YOU " he returned a moment later with the manager . I was unceremoniously escorted from the premise and told kindly not to return .
I got home without my supplies , I realized that I was hungry . I consumed two bowls of chili and went to Lowes the next day . But I can`t say anymore about that because we will be going to court over the whole matter . They claim they are going to have to repaint the whole store .
